Q: How do you get a guitarist to play quietly?
A: Put a score in front of him.
Q: What do guitarist tend to get on IQ tests?
A: Drool.
Q: How do you get a bassist off your doorstep?
A: Pay for the pizza.
Q: Why are most guitarist jokes one liners?
A: So the rest of the band can understand them.
Q: What does one call a guitarist who has broken up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless
Q: How many guitarists does it take to cover Stevie Ray Vaughan?
A: All of them, evidently.
Two fellas are walking down the road. One is destitute, the other is a guitarist as well.
Q: What's the difference between a bassist and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What do heavy metal musicians use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How many Jazz musicians does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Jazz musicians can't afford light-bulbs.
Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: They don't have to. They just steal someone else's light.
Q: Why bury guitarists six feet down?
A: Because deep-down, they're actually nice people.
Q: What is inscribed on the tombstone of blues musicians?
A: I ain't woke up this mornin'.
Q: What do you throw a drowning guitarist?
A: His amp.
Q: What do you say to a guitarist in a 3-piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.
Q: Define gentleman.
A: A man who can play accordion, but doesn't.
Q: What is the range of a Les Paul?
A: Depends how hard you throw it.
Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Only one. He holds it and the world revolves around him.
Q: What is the difference between an oboe and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.
Q: Define a successful musician.
A: One who's wife has two jobs.
Q: How do you know the stage is level?
A: There is drool dripping out of both sides of the bassists mouth.
Q: What is the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
Q: Mommy mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitarist.
A: Now boy, you can't do both.
Q: What is perfect pitch?
A: When you manage to throw an oboe into a toilet without hitting the rim.
Q: A beaver and a trombonist are walking down the road. What is the difference between them?
A: The beaver might be on the way to a gig.
Q: What is the best thing to play on a bass.
A: Solitaire.
Saint Peter: What did you do in your life on earth?
Woman: I was a teacher. I helped children learn to live well.
Saint Peter: In you go! (and off she went)
Saint Peter: What did you do in your life on earth?
Man: I was a doctor. I strove to heal the sick.
Saint Peter: In you go then! (and off he went)
Saint Peter: And what did you do in your life on earth?
Musician: I played people music and made them happy.
Saint Peter: You can use the service entrance to get into the kitchen.
A piano-accordion player who'd been entertaining at Bah Mitzvah was on his way home when, succumbing to his sadness, he decided to stop at a roadside pub for a beer or three. He went in the pub and ordered his first beer and, just as he was about to take his first blessed swig of it, he remembered what had occurred previously when he had left his piano-accordion in view of the street on the back-seat of his car. He slammed his beer down un-sipped and bounded outside and sure enough, the back window was broken in and sure enough, there were two more piano-accordions on the back seat.
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That's enough for today. Tell me is you like these. I will scrounge around for some more.
Peace.
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