Some muso jokes that I love

There must be millions of jokes about musicians. Some are crackers and some are not. Many are contentious, especially for drummers. I've heard a lot of these jokes over the years. Some of them made me just about wet myself. Although in most cases I was maybe a little drunk, or a little more than a little drunk when I heard them, I still managed to hang on to them cognitively, and I trust you'll find them as funny as I did. I'm gonna give the drummers a break today and stick to real musicians. Let's begin with some short ones that most people already will know.


Q: How do you get a guitarist to play quietly?
A: Put a score in front of him.


Q: What do guitarist tend to get on IQ tests?
A: Drool.


Q: How do you get a bassist off your doorstep?
A: Pay for the pizza.


Q: Why are most guitarist jokes one liners?
A: So the rest of the band can understand them.


Q: What does one call a guitarist who has broken up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless


Q: How many guitarists does it take to cover Stevie Ray Vaughan?
A: All of them, evidently.


Two fellas are walking down the road. One is destitute, the other is a guitarist as well.


Q: What's the difference between a bassist and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.


Q: What do heavy metal musicians use as birth control? 
A: Their personalities.


Q: How many Jazz musicians does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Jazz musicians can't afford light-bulbs.


Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: They don't have to. They just steal someone else's light.


Q: Why bury guitarists six feet down? 
A: Because deep-down, they're actually nice people.


Q: What is inscribed on the tombstone of blues musicians?
A: I ain't woke up this mornin'. 


Q: What do you throw a drowning guitarist?
A: His amp.


Q: What do you say to a guitarist in a 3-piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.


Q: Define gentleman.
A: A man who can play accordion, but doesn't.


Q: What is the range of a Les Paul?
A: Depends how hard you throw it.


Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Only one. He holds it and the world revolves around him.


Q: What is the difference between an oboe and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.


Q: Define a successful musician.
A: One who's wife has two jobs.


Q: How do you know the stage is level?
A: There is drool dripping out of both sides of the bassists mouth. 


Q: What is the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up an oboe.


Q: Mommy mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitarist.
A: Now boy, you can't do both.


Q: What is perfect pitch?
A: When you manage to throw an oboe into a toilet without hitting the rim.


Q: A beaver and a trombonist are walking down the road. What is the difference between them?
A: The beaver might be on the way to a gig. 


Q: What is the best thing to play on a bass.
A: Solitaire.


Saint Peter: What did you do in your life on earth?
Woman:      I was a teacher. I helped children learn to live well.
Saint Peter: In you go! (and off she went)
Saint Peter: What did you do in your life on earth?
Man:          I was a doctor. I strove to heal the sick.
Saint Peter: In you go then! (and off he went)
Saint Peter: And what did you do in your life on earth?
Musician:   I played people music and made them happy.
Saint Peter: You can use the service entrance to get into the kitchen.




A piano-accordion player who'd been entertaining at Bah Mitzvah was on his way home when, succumbing to his sadness, he decided to stop at a roadside pub for a beer or three. He went in the pub and ordered his first beer and, just as he was about to take his first blessed swig of it, he remembered what had occurred previously when he had left his piano-accordion in view of the street on the back-seat of his car. He slammed his beer down un-sipped and bounded outside and sure enough, the back window was broken in and sure enough, there were two more piano-accordions on the back seat.

_______________________________________________________________________________

  


That's enough for today. Tell me is you like these. I will scrounge around for some more.


Peace.

The Lydian Mode

What makes the Lydian what it is is a sharpened fourth interval in the Ionian scale. 


Ionian: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 , 7
Lydian: 1, 2, 3, +4, 5, 6, 7


Tabbed out in C on one string, the Ionian appears thus

And the Lydian, thus

The Lydian Mode has a major key sound and is often used in Jazz. The sharpened fourth gives it an interesting edge when played over major seventh chords.

 That being said, one must experiment with various different comping chords. The best kind of practice is with other musicians, but get yourself a sampler if you've some money available to you. It is a sweeet investment to make. The one most go for is the Boss Loop Station. They have a few different models but if you just need something to practice with and play around with different ideas the RC-2 is well enough. 

Boss pedals are legendary, and should be available at most music stores.

Other chords you could try the Lydian over would be major chords, sus 2 chords and major7flat5 chords.  

Here tabbed are examples of the C Lydian Mode played in a few different positions. First, played near the nut using open strings. 

In the first position without open strings,

In a second position, ranging two octaves from C to C,

In a third, again ranging two octaves,

And finally, an example linking a few positions. 

Happy trails!

First, The Market on Main, and then, the Mode that is Dorian.

On Thursday night The Gents of Leisure performed at Arts on Main's Ladies night event. I had not been to the much talked about Market on Main before and I feel that I have to write a little about the experience. I loved every second of my evening there.


Arts on Main is situated in Johannesburg central in a newly converted old 20th century warehouse. You park underneath the Highway, and walk into a covered market, in which there are various stalls selling various interesting things. When I was there, there was this beautiful redhead DJ bu the name of Alexandra playing some of the best and most eclectic music I have ever had the pleasure of hearing a DJ play. Carrying on through one then exits the covered area with the stalls and enters a large courtyard of food stalls amidst high up decks that one can sit on (next to an old car if you like on one of them) from which one can look down on the courtyard, and up at the night sky. If one likes, one can also dine at a very decent restaurant. There is no stage though, and The Gents may well have been the first five piece band ever to play there. We somehow crammed all of our gear including speakers, our desk, our amps, a drum-kit, my massive feet and the rest of ourselves onto a stoep from which we entertained the masses of people there. Although we were a little more tightly packed than we are used to as a band, we were well received and had a thoroughly good time. I highly recommend that anyone who has not yet done so, should visit the market. It is, frankly, awesome. The website:


http://marketonmain.co.za




Right. It's business time.


A little while ago I wrote about the Mixolydian and Ionian modes. Today, I'm writing about the Dorian Mode.


Just to refresh, the Ionian mode in steps runs W, W, H, W, W, W, H (Where W is a whole step and H is a half step.) Numerically, it runs 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. The Ionian C scale, played on one string only, looks like this when tabbed.

This scale is a major scale, and when played over a progression in C major, will have a happy sort of sound. 


The Mixolydian scale runs 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, flat 7. The C Mixolydian scale tabbed on one string looks like this.

As I said in my previous article on the subject, I choose to present the exercises relative to the key of C major because it has no sharps or flats in it. I am presenting the modes in a way that I found them easiest to remember. The Mixolydian differs from the Ionian in that the seventh note is flattened. The Dorian differs from the Ionian in that the 3rd note and the 7th note are flattened. Numerically:

1, 2, flat 3, 4, 5, 6, flat 7

It has a minor key sound, and will fit well over a C minor chord.

 Tabbed out to be played on one string, it looks like this. 

Try it over a Cm6 chord (C minor chord including a 6th)

   Ooooooooooooh.

To finish off, I am going to tab the C Dorian in a few positions on the fretboard, and leave the rest, that is the shifting it around into different keys and experimenting with it, up to the reader.

Here is The C Dorian, running for one octave from C to C in a position using open strings.

C Dorian from C to C in position one.

C Dorian, ranging two octaves this time in position 2.

C Dorian ranging 2 octaves in a third position.

And Finally, C Dorian ranging two octaves moving up the fretboard.

Have nice day!

Mind the weather - 10 tips for guitar maintenance.

Today's article is to be short and sweet. Just ten little tips that one should bare in mind with regards to their instruments:


1. Don't leave your guitar in a hot car. They are mostly held together with a type of glue that softens when heated. Furthermore, wood sweats, dries out, stiffens and cracks when exposed to high temperatures. 


2. Do have your guitar checked out by a qualified technician from time to time. You might not know what to look for, but a technician will easily be able to identify impending disasters, and recommend an out before they come about. 


3. Don't allow your guitar to stand in a place that is too humid. What is too humid. 50 percent relative humidity is ideal. That is to say, the humidity of a nice autumn day in Johannesburg. This does pose a problem to people living in humid places like Durban, and dry places like the Northwestern province. Joburg winters can also be fiercely dry. The expensive solution is a climate controlled room the likes of which not even many guitar stores have. A more moderately priced solution is simple. Keep the instrument in it's case. If it's wet out, vacuum the case now and then to remove moisture. If it's dry out, keep it in it's case with a guitar humidifier hanging between the strings. 

4. Guitars are a bit like creatures of the night, and don't like the sun much. See point one.


5. There are certain things that it is unwise to play with. Truss-rods are one of those things. The truss-rod is a metal rod that runs along the inside of most steel-string guitar necks, and some nylons. Tightening on this rod by means of the correctly sized wrench causes if to pull back, and loosening it relieves it, allowing it to bow more. When your guitar is very buzzy when you are fretting at the first four or five frets, it probably means the neck is bent too far back. Buzziness in the middle frets I.e.: 5 to say 10 often means it is too lose. This is not the rule, as uneven frets and bad technique also contribute to buzziness. Sometimes, truss-rods are ill-effective and when manipulated, might be entitled to break or become stripped. Having a new truss-rod made up and installed is very expensive, and in most cases, it would be better to simply buy another guitar. Again, it is wise to take your guitar to a qualified technician. He'll know what to do. 


6. Every four months or so, it's a good idea to get your (rosewood or ebony) fret-board oiled. The oil used by most is pure boiled linseed oil. Don't rush out to your corner hardware store for some of that now. You'll find that most bottles with labels reading 'pure boiled linseed oil' are lying through their teeth. They mix the stuff with motor oil. Motor oil should never have anything to do with wood. Some people use Lemon oil. I like Linseed oil. Oiling the fret-board of your guitar stops it from drying out and cracking, and gives you a chance to clean all the old finger muck. Use very fine steel-wool (grade 0000). Anything else is likely to scratch. Better yet, see a tech.


7. You can use furniture polish to clean your guitar. I use pledge because it doesn't have any nasty chemicals in it.


8. Wipe your strings clean after you play. Sweat is corrosive, and the muck that your fingers leave behind will eat away at your frets, never-mind deaden your tone.


9. Check now and again just to be sure that all the nuts and bolts holding your guitar together are snug. Don't over-tighten then and this can lead to damage. When your guitar's volume and tone nobs start to complete 360 degree revolutions, they are warning you that soon you will have an electrical problem. Pull off the knobs, and tighten the bolts. Having tuning problems? Check that your tuning machine heads' bolts are good and snug. Does your guitar neck bolt on like a Strat? Check that it is good and tight. Rattles are often dead giveaways. Something zinging, twinging or anything like that, check you nuts and bolts. Can't find the source? Take it to a tech.
         
10. Is your guitar hard to play in the open positions, or any positions? Take it to a tech. You will be amazed what a trained hand can do do make the playing of your instrument a more enjoyable experience. 

Andrew Bird's "Tenuousness". Folk guitar and lyrical genius.

In my last article in which I presented a tab for Kermit the Frog's 'It's Not Easy Being Green' a mentioned Andrew Bird and posted a video of him doing the same song his way. Andrew Bird is a musician in the truest sense, and now that I have stripped his song 'Tenuousness' down to it's essentials and taken note of his lyrics, I have all the more respect for him. He is amazing. 


The song is very simple, and playing it serves as a good beginner's exercise in finger-picking. I have tabbed the three parts of the album version. There is also a From the Basement version that I will post the video for at the end of the article. In the From the Basement version, Bird uses a sampler and plays the whole song without deviating from the key it begins in I.e.: C. It is awesome seeing him in action. He's like a little one-man orchestra.


First, the album song.

That's the verse. Note the hammer-on from the A note to the E. 

This is the guitar part that goes with the lyric, "Love of hate acts as an axis". The bottom staff shows the traverse picking part continued, while the top is the piano line. Then it's the verse again.

And then it's "Who want's to look upon this?" And the outro.

The Lyrics:

There you have it. Learn the three parts, and stick 'em together with the words, and what you have is a lovely little campfire ditty. 

The simplicity of the song amazes me. That something so great can be so simple. It's inspiring. 

Here's the From the Basement version. Enjoy.

Kermit the Frog and Andrew Bird - It's Not Easy Being Green

My Grandad, Ellis (Red) Sutherland Dadds was awesome. He loved Jazz, Tap-dancing, white wine and Muppets. 


He had taped episode 2 of season 19 of The Muppet Show sometime in the early 80's. Peter Sellers was the special guest on that episode. That tape was my favorite thing in the whole world. I watched it again and again. I must've watched it a million times. Kermit performed this song in that episode.

Kermit the frog's adorable introspective nature is well illustrated by every aspect of this beautiful song. The gentle, jazzy chord tones with their rich harmonic content played so soft and sweetly on the guitar draw me in and have always drawn me in to such an enormous degree that I've found myself compelled to score the tune and share it. I have included in the tab some of the main instrumental melodic ideas. 


At the end of the tab you'll find a video of an amazing musician - ex-fiddle player from the 90's swing phenomenon The Squirrel Nut Zippers - Andrew Bird, performing the very same tune in a different key using mainly open chords. I have not tabbed his version but if you search it on the inter-web, you should be able to find a suitable chord-sheet pretty easily. I will be taking apart a 'From the basement' version of Andrew Birds 'Tenuousness' some time next month. 


Here we go with bars 1-5

I've put in a 2 beat bar before the introductory melody. I noticed now that I failed to put in any indication of the chord over which the intro melody is played. It is an F chord. The introductory melody has a major  feel over F, and consists of the 1st (F), 3rd (A), 5th (C), 6th (D) and 7th (E) notes of F which are also the 1st (C), 2nd (D), 3rd (E), 4th (F) and 6th(A) of C major. Notice, the note B flat (the fourth of F) is omitted. Just play it for interest sake. It just sounds wrong. The harmony of this song lingers around the key of C major. 


I'd play the song using a hybrid picking style or with straight fingers to bring out the underlying melodies and harmony of the overall piece. Kermit's first line, "It's not easy being green" is sung over a Cmaj7 chord, with an easy, quarter-note rhythm  feel. Now, bars 6-10.

In bar 4 we found some little notes walking from A to B via B flat. In this section we get G walking to A through A flat. Take note of the movement created there. I've always thought that short flurries of walking notes like this make music sound more conversational. At bar 9 we get a little melody to fill the space between verse one and two. Again, the melody stays well confined in the area of C major, maintaining an Ionian feel. The verse then repeats until bar 20. Then we get the middle 8, starting at bar 20 on a B flat chord.

 

At bar 26, we get another pretty little melody to fill the gap where Kermit, having considered some of the several awesome things about being green, rests his voice. Notice the A flat in bar 29. 

To me, the A flat suggests a half step up from the G chord to which the melody is harmonizing for half a beat. One could play an A flat (G sharp) chord over that one note in the rhythm section. We then hold for 4 beats while Kermy finishes his pondering, and goes into the final verse. The song ends with another beautiful little melody.

I hope you enjoy the song. 


This is Andrew Bird playing the song on a boat. 

Clicking on the following URL will direct you a chord chart representing a way of playing the song that's a little more like his.


http://www.e-tabs.org/tab/kermit_the_frog/bein_green 


If you want lyrics, go here:


http://www.stlyrics.com/songs/m/muppets9423/itsnoteasybeinggreen314600.html


Cheers.

An Introduction to modes on guitar - Ionian (Major) to Mixolydian

To many aspiring jazzters, rockstars and all other style-favoring guitarists, the concept of 'modes' can seem very baffling. That's hardly surprising when one (assuming one is not yet familiar with them) opens a tutorial book and is assailed by the words Ionian, dorian, phrygian etc... Hell! These words are Alien-sounding. But in truth, these are words of Greek origin, often representing the root province from which these modes rose. 

A mode is really only a scale with certain characteristics that make it fit better with certain chords than others. They are expressive tools, and once understood, they make it a great deal easier to for one to choose the right notes to play for a given piece of music. The Jazz great and master of the CAGED system (to be addressed another time) used to say that modes were far less important to him than the question of whether the sound required was a 'major' or 'minor' sound. I would not argue with proponents of this view however, apart from forming a guideline as to what to play over major and minor chords, modes also encompass characters that sit nicely with different chord types, for example, the Locrian mode suits diminished chord tones very well. 

Today I am writing about the Mixolydian mode and how it relates to a C Major scale. I am doing this as an introduction to the topic because a) It's the most popular scale to use in rock'n'roll music and it's parent forms and b) It is exquisitely simple to remember what makes it what it is, and to apply it. It has a major key sound and fits very well over a C7 chord.

I have chosen to relate it to C major because C major has no sharps or flats. It goes C,D,E,F,G,A,B and finally, C again to complete one octave. Tabbed on one string it appears thus:

If you play it for yourself you see that the first step from C is a whole step (two frets up), the second, likewise is a whole step, and the third is a half step (only one fret up). That is followed by another three whole steps, and finally, and half-step to complete the octave. This is the formula for a Major (or Ionian) scale. 

W, W, H, W, W, W, H 

Numerically, counting the first C note as 1, the major scale goes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. This sequence never changes in the case of the major scale.

1 is always the root. 

2 is always a full-step from the root. Whole (W)

3 is always a full step from 2. Whole (W)

4 is always a half-step from 3. Half (H)

5 is always a full-step from 4. Whole (H)

6 is always a full step from 5. Whole (H)

7 is always a full step from 6 (Whole) (W) and finally,

8 is always a half step from 7. Half (H)

For now, you should cement that good and proper, because all of the other modes are relative in practice to that scale.

Now, a C Mixolydian scale is the same as that but for one note. That note is the 7th note of the scale. The 7th note of the Mixolydian scale is flattened a half step making it:

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, flat 7 (-7), 8

To demonstrate in tab:

 Note that the seventh note of the scale a half-tone back from the seventh note of the major scale. That is what makes the Mixolydian scale what it is. In numbers it runs:

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, flat 7, 8

If you're confused now, don't worry. A lot of people are confused at this point. It is only important that you remember that the major scale is numbered 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. It is the first of the  7 modes and all of the others spring from it. Continuing with the Mixolydian. Have a look at the tab below.

That is the C major (Ionian) scale played from C to C for one octave only in the 1st - open position on the guitar. 

This is the C Mixolydian scale played in the same position. Play it, and note the flattened seventh. Notice it in terms of the scale pattern as made by your hand on the fret-board, as if your fingers were covered in paint and you were leaving spots where your fingers landed.

In the following example, I have tabbed both the major and the Mixolydian scales in a second position on one staff. Again, note the patterns, as if you were leaving spots on the fret-board.

Another position. This time two octaves:

Another, again two octaves:

And finally, just for fun, an example that moves up the neck through three positions using slides from one position to another:

Sample a C7 Chord, or get a friend to jam one for you, and play over it with this scale in these positions. It works so well simply because the C7 chord as detailed above consists of a 1 (C), a 3 (E), a 5 (G) and a flattened 7 (B flat). C7 again:

Now, all that's left to you is to internalize these patterns. Once you've done that, try shifting it all up half a step to C sharp. Then to D and so on. So long as the pattern made by your hand remains the same you'll be playing in the same mode. You will find that, over a normal C chord, the Major Scale will sound good. Over the C7, the Mixolydian is perfect. 

Next time I write on this subject, I will be detailing further how all the Modes relate to the first mode - the Ionian - and I will be providing scale exercises for the next easiest mode to internalize - this time with a minor feel - the Dorian.

Cheers.